The 23rd Shangri-La Dialogue opened today with 54 ministers arriving to decide which civilian populations are currently the most expendable.

Vietnamese President To Lam’s keynote address was reportedly just 45 minutes of heavy breathing into the microphone while pointing aggressively at a map of contested islands.

Delegates took a short break from debating the total annihilation of the human species to enjoy a $200-per-head lobster laksa.

Singapore’s Defence Minister reminded attendees that while the world is fragmenting, the quality of local hotel catering remains a stable global superpower.

US Secretary of War Pete Hegseth was spotted in the lobby checking if the hotel gym had enough heavy objects to throw at his enemies.

Outside, local residents celebrated the event by sitting in three-hour traffic jams caused by security cordons protecting men who haven't driven themselves in decades.

The summit is expected to conclude with a joint statement confirming that everyone is still very interested in murdering each other.