81-year-old Ching Wai Leng has officially proven that retirement is a scam for losers who don’t have the balls to rob a house full of dead people.

While most seniors are busy queueing for free umbrellas and complain about the price of fish, this legendary uncle was siphoning $1.6 million from a columbarium because ashes don't need a savings account.

"Why wait for the government to give me money when the ancestors are literally sitting on a goldmine?" Ching probably thought while he decided to Chut Pattern with his contractor Kaki to create the ultimate lobang.

By subcontracting maintenance jobs to his own shell company, Ching mastered the art of the 'self-own,' except the only person getting owned was the president of the cemetery who was too blur to notice the money vanishing.

CPIB investigators were reportedly impressed that an 81-year-old had the mental stamina to coordinate a massive fraud instead of just falling asleep in front of the television like a regular useless senior.

The $1.6 million haul is enough to buy enough joss paper to make himself a billionaire in the afterlife, though he clearly preferred the cold hard spending power of the Singapore dollar while still breathing.

Critics are calling the move "shameless," but in a city where everything is overpriced, stealing from people who are already finished with their CPF is just efficient resource management.

If the court sends him to jail for ten years, it’s basically a free upgrade to a government-funded nursing home where he gets three meals a day without having to lift a finger.

This uncle’s biggest mistake was assuming that the living would be as quiet and cooperative as the thousands of urns he was supposedly painting and plastering for a profit.

Kan ni na, if you’re going to go out, you might as well go out with $1.6 million and a middle finger to the concept of aging without a massive criminal record.