Apple has finally officially recognized that Singaporeans are essentially giant, over-educated toddlers who cannot be trusted with a smartphone.

Under new rules, Sinkies must now prove they have successfully hit puberty before they can download anything more scandalous than a 4D results app.

To verify adulthood, the App Store will reportedly scan your face for signs of soul-crushing existential dread or a CPF balance that screams "I will never retire."

The move follows IMDA guidelines designed to protect "online safety," which is local code for ensuring no one sees a nipple before their state-mandated wedding night.

If your facial recognition detects even a hint of original thought, the system will automatically lock your phone and play National Day songs until you apologize to your MP.

Apparently, paying the world’s highest taxes isn't enough proof of maturity; you now need a trillion-dollar company’s permission to look at a dating app.

It’s a bold step forward for a nanny state that treats its citizens like they’re one unsupervised click away from total moral collapse.