Singapore’s National Parks Board has officially granted birdwatching aunties the legal authority to execute anyone who sneezes near a rare owl.

These geriatric commandos, wielding $35,000 Canon lenses that resemble surface-to-air missiles, have already cleared Sungei Buloh of all joggers and joy.

Armed with tactical visors and UV-protected arm sleeves, these aunties can spot a stray hair on a kingfisher or a weakness in your character from five kilometres away.

"You diam lah, talk so loud the bird fly away already! You want to die ah?" shrieked Mdm Wong, 69, while using her heavy-duty carbon-fibre tripod to bludgeon a crying toddler.

"Next time you come make noise, I use my 800mm lens to see what your inside look like."

The government confirmed that an auntie’s capacity for unbridled malice is more effective at wildlife conservation than any physical fence or actual law enforcement.