Singapore is reportedly “literally shaking” as the China-Europe railway turns the world’s most expensive port into a very humid parking lot.

With the Red Sea currently resembling a Michael Bay film set, global freight is fleeing to Khorgos, leaving Singapore’s maritime supremacy in the wake of a cargo train.

Local authorities are frantic, realizing that being a “global hub” is difficult when cargo prefers a land route that doesn’t involve exploding tankers or Somali side-quests.

“Who cares about deep-water berths when you can get a 30-cent vegetable peeler from Temu via Kazakhstan in ten days?” yelled one shopper waiting for her plastic junk.

In a desperate bid to remain relevant, the government is investigating installing tracks over the ocean or rebranding the entire island as an “Intercontinental Rail Interchange.”

Logistics experts confirm that Singapore’s sense of self-importance is currently plunging at a rate that dwarfs the sinking hulls of the ships avoiding the Suez.