CapitaLand has officially entered its "desperate girlfriend" phase, launching a series of mall experiences designed to trick Singaporeans into finally leaving their dark, airless bedrooms.

Realising that overpriced lattes and the same five fast-fashion outlets are no longer a substitute for a soul, the retail giant is now offering indoor pickleball at Plaza Singapura.

“Wah lao, play sport in mall is best sia, can sweat but still got air-con, then after that can go buy Nicholas Tse shirt so I don't look like one wet toad,” remarked local enthusiast Jason Tan.

The "City Edition" also features viral sunscreen powder for people who want to pretend they’ve touched grass without actually enduring the terrifying outdoor sun.

Management hopes that hitting a plastic ball near a Sephora will finally convince the youth that physical reality actually exists.