Minister K. Shanmugam officially topped out the new Chong Pang City, a nine-story containment unit designed to distract Yishun residents from their horrific reality.

The development features three massive swimming pools, specifically engineered to provide enough volume to drown the neighborhood’s notorious reputation for unhinged chaos.

Architects confirmed the sheltered running track was strategically added so local residents can flee from spontaneous machete skirmishes without suffering from heatstroke.

"We wanted to create a space where property values can soar high enough to ignore the weeping coming from the void decks," Shanmugam reportedly told a crowd of heavily sedated uncles.

The inclusive design includes height-adjustable beds in changing rooms, perfect for locals who need to lie down after witnessing yet another supernatural occurrence in the lift landing.

Stallholders from the old market will be relocated to the new facility, where they can continue selling questionable seafood under the watchful gaze of high-definition surveillance.

One long-time resident expressed hope that the pools would be deep enough to finally submerge the dark secrets hidden in her kitchen cabinets since 1984.

Authorities believe that by concentrating all of Yishun’s activity into one block, the state can more efficiently monitor the epicenter of Singapore's madness.