The Central Narcotics Bureau (CNB) has successfully identified 104 high-achieving individuals who are now eligible for a state-sponsored, one-way trip to the end of a rope.

The operation seized enough Ice and cannabis to keep 894 addicts happy for a week, or approximately one Yishun resident focused for a single Tuesday afternoon.

From the ulu depths of Sengkang to the luxury of Marine Parade, officers proved that the government is the only entity allowed to distribute mind-numbing substances—specifically, national education and CPF statements.

A married couple in Tampines was also detained, proving that the secret to a long-lasting marriage is a shared passion for high-stakes felony and impending state-sanctioned widowhood.

Authorities also seized 10 e-vaporiser pods, reminding the public that if you aren't paying tobacco taxes, your lungs are strictly off-limits to any form of chemical relief.

With $281,000 worth of inventory gone, the CNB remains confident that the remaining 5.9 million residents will continue to find natural ways to be miserable without illegal assistance.

Any suspect caught with 15g of heroin can now look forward to a permanent solution for their breathing habit.