Koh Poh Koon announced his resignation to spend more time staring at his own family’s rectums instead of the public’s.

The professional butthole explorer claimed he isn't "running away," despite moving with the frantic energy of a man who just spent a decade elbow-deep in the nation's colons.

Koh admitted he has been an absent father, presumably because he was too busy searching for lost car keys in the lower intestines of Tampines residents.

He expressed joy that his final act involved traditional medicine, hoping dried lizard tails could finally mask the lingering scent of his political career.

Constituents are relieved that the man who knows their deepest secrets is finally retreating to a private clinic to charge more for a finger up the arse.

PM Wong praised Koh, noting the cabinet will struggle to find someone so willing to handle the shitty parts of governance.