Singaporeans woke up to a chilling realisation this week as Deputy Prime Minister Gan Kim Yong announced that a new 15% US tariff would likely apply to the island nation, effectively turning global trade into a high-stakes game of ‘who pays more for imported artisanal peanut butter.’ Mr Gan urged citizens to prepare for a ‘fundamentally changed global trade environment,’ which experts believe means upgrading their negotiation skills at pasar malams.

An anonymous government official, clearly still reeling from the news, stated, "We are exploring all avenues, including whether Washington might consider a ‘bulk discount’ for a nation as efficient as ours. We also need clarity on if our national pastime of online shopping will now incur a 'sadness surcharge'."

Local resident, Mdm Tan Ah Lian, 67, from Jurong West, lamented, “Wah lau eh, everything going up! Already can’t afford my grandchildren’s avocado toast, now even my American ginseng also kena tariff? Next time confirm need to sell my gold chain just to buy Starbucks.” The Ministry of Trade and Industry assured citizens they are working with partners to provide information, which presumably includes a hotline for counselling services for those facing potential instant noodle price hikes.