The Ministry of Health has officially designated rollerblading at East Coast Park as a public health crisis, specifically for the eyes of innocent bystanders.

Local father of three, Tan Ah Teck, was spotted yesterday oscillating violently between a graceful swan and a dying cockroach while wearing spandex that left nothing to the imagination.

Witnesses claim the sight of a 45-year-old man in neon knee pads attempting a ‘crossover’ turn was more traumatic than a price hike at the hawker centre.

"Walao, his legs like jelly sia, every five seconds almost fall down but still want to act cool," remarked passerby, Lim Kopi.

"He nearly langgar my dog, then he do some weird hand signal like he navigating traffic like MRT like that, damn siao one," added another witness.

Authorities suggest that if citizens wish to feel the wind in their thinning hair, they should stick to walking quickly or sitting very close to a powerful industrial fan.