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Singapore Slurp: Excavator Operator Frees 5,000 Punggol Residents From Internet Addiction
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Excavator Operator Frees 5,000 Punggol Residents From Internet Addiction

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Chloe Ong
Saturday 18th April 2026 @ 16:13 SST
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A local construction worker has been nominated for a National Day Award after successfully severing a fiber optic cable, effectively liberating 5,000 Punggol and Sengkang residents from the crushing weight of their own internet addiction.

The savior, operating a heavy excavator, reportedly plunged his bucket into the earth, slicing through the digital umbilical cord that keeps thousands of local desk-jockeys tethered to their corporate Slack channels and questionable incognito tabs.

Witnesses in Punggol reported seeing terrified residents wandering into the sunlight for the first time in years, blinking at the sky and wondering why the "Outside" didn't have a higher frame rate.

"I actually had to look at my wife," said one traumatized Bishan resident who was forced to engage in a terrifying concept known as human conversation.

NetLink Trust apologized for the disruption, though several local companies reported a 400% increase in employees actually doing their jobs instead of arguing with strangers on Reddit about why the government should pay for their premium pornography.

Authorities have seized the excavator, not for evidence, but to see if it can be used to permanently disable the internet in Yishun for the safety of the general public.

This satire is based on a real news story.

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