The Singapore government has officially granted Permanent Residency to the nation’s three billion urban rats to offset the human population's refusal to breed.

National Environment Agency officials confirmed that the rodents, now the size of small poodles, are significantly more productive than the average office worker.

These vermin have successfully colonised every Michelin-starred hawker stall, proving they possess better culinary taste than most tourists.

“Wah lau, the rat in my longkang so big, he start asking me for CPF contribution already leh,” noted resident Tan Ah Kow.

“He even got better manners than those people who never return tray, I tell you.”

Ministerial plans are underway to train the alpha rodents for high-frequency trading and public order maintenance.

Authorities remind citizens that complaining about the infestation is now technically a hate crime against a protected minority.