Singaporean wedding banquets have finally evolved into the high-stakes financial extortion rackets they were always meant to be.

Luxury hotels are now implementing a "Tiered Gluttony" system where the thickness of your abalone slice is determined by a live digital scan of your red packet.

Guests who fail to contribute at least $388 per head are relegated to a "shame table" located in the hotel loading bay and served a single slice of lukewarm Gardenia bread.

"Wah lau, pay three hundred plus for one small piece of dry chicken? This one not wedding invitation, this one is a court summons leh!" complained professional wedding-goer, Tan Ah Hock.

The reception desk now features a mandatory credit check terminal to ensure no "cheapskate" relatives ruin the couple’s luxury honeymoon to Iceland.

"Last time can give hundred plus, now if I don't give half my salary, the bride look at me like I kill her cat, damn siao one!" shouted a disgruntled auntie while stuffing extra wet tissues into her handbag.

Anyone caught underpaying will be publicly forced to finish the entire vat of radioactive-orange Ee-fu noodles alone.