The global economy breathed a massive sigh of relief as Iran declared the Strait of Hormuz open, causing crude oil prices to plummet like a fresh grad’s career prospects.

International markets celebrated the 11% drop, but local petrol giants Shell and Esso responded by immediately raising pump prices by another 50 cents per litre.

A spokesperson for the local fuel cartel explained that while the strait is technically open, the “emotional cost” of sailing through Persian water remains at an all-time high.

“Opening a gate is very tiring for the Iranians, and we must honor their exhaustion by charging Singaporean drivers more,” the spokesperson said while snorting gold dust off a mahogany table.

“Besides, the wind in the Middle East is blowing clockwise today, which adds a 15% administrative surcharge to every nozzle squirt,” he added.

Local car owners, who possess the collective backbone of a soggy youtiao, reacted by swearing loudly on Facebook before immediately queuing up at the pump for 40 minutes to save exactly $1.20.

“Kanina, oil drop 11% but my bill go up 20%? My lan jiao also drop 11% reading this news,” said one private hire driver who currently lives entirely on black coffee and spite.

The government has assured the public they are monitoring the situation with high-powered telescopes from the balconies of their soundproof ivory towers.

Experts predict that even if oil became free, local stations would still find a way to charge you for the privilege of smelling the fumes.