Islamabad is currently hosting a high-stakes game of "who has the bigger dick" between JD Vance and a bunch of Iranian dudes who haven't seen a razor since the 1970s.

The "make-or-break" peace talks aim to prevent Donald Trump from turning Tehran into a very large, glowing parking lot, a move that would significantly impact the global price of literally everything.

However, back in Singapore, most citizens are secretly rooting for the nukes to just land already so they don't have to show up for their 9am Zoom meeting tomorrow.

"If the Strait of Hormuz stays closed and the world ends, at least I don't have to listen to my SME boss talk about 'KPIs' and 'growth mindset' anymore," said one local auditor while sipping a luke-warm kopi-o.

"Wah lau, ceasefire for what? If Trump deletes Iran, maybe the office also gets deleted, then I can finally sleep past 7am, sibei shiok, knn," he added, staring blankly at a spreadsheet.

Local experts suggest that the "high sensitivity" of the negotiations is completely lost on a population that has been dead inside since the late 90s.

Even the threat of a global energy crisis hasn't rattled Sinkies, who are more concerned with whether the latest AI features on their phone will still work in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

As JD Vance prepares to be "not that receptive" to Iranian demands, Singaporeans remain equally unreceptive to the idea of living another forty years in a cubicle for a 2% annual increment.

"Peace is okay I guess, but if the world burns, do I still need to pay my credit card bill or what?" asked another resident who is clearly ready for the sweet embrace of atomic fire.

Government officials have urged the public to remain resilient, though most people have interpreted "resilience" as the ability to complain about petrol prices while the atmosphere literally combusts.