Kelvin Tan, a 34-year-old who thinks "Buenos Aires" is a brand of air fryer, spent his morning weeping over Boca Juniors’ Superclasico victory.

The local accountant claims to be a lifelong supporter of the club despite his only connection to Argentina being a steak he once ate at a mall.

The win, delivered by a Leandro Paredes penalty, reportedly netted Kelvin a payout from Singapore Pools that barely covers his credit card interest.

"The passion at the Monumental is unmatched," Kelvin remarked while ignoring three urgent emails from his debt collector.

His wife confirmed that Kelvin’s "deep-rooted heritage" with the club began exactly forty-eight hours ago after he saw the betting odds.

Kelvin spent the match screaming Spanish slurs he learned from a Netflix show at his television.

Neighbors reported hearing a man shouting about "loyalty" to a team 16,000 kilometers away while his own bank account remains frozen.

He later posted a photo of the scoreline on Instagram with the caption "DNA" to hide the fact that he was one goal away from losing his housing.

Kelvin is currently looking for a Boca Juniors tattoo artist who accepts installments and doesn't ask questions.