In a desperate bid to feel something other than the crushing weight of their own mediocrity, Singaporeans are flocking to cat cafés to pay exorbitant hourly rates for the privilege of being snubbed by a rescue animal.

For $35 an hour, patrons can crouch on a urine-scented floor while a ginger tabby named ‘Simba’ looks at them with the same blistering contempt a GCB owner reserves for a public transport commuter.

The experience offers the perfect simulation of a toxic relationship, allowing office workers to spend their hard-earned bonuses on overpriced lattes infused with feline dander and spite.

"I give him the premium treat I buy for ten dollars, but the cat just look at me like I am some low-ses rubbish," complained 28-year-old marketing executive, Tan Ah Kow.

"Is okay lah, at least here I pay to get ignored; in office, boss ignore me for free, so this one more worth it than working anyway."