Singaporeans have responded to the news of Iranian forces firing on Indian-flagged vessels with their trademark brand of ruthless, transactional empathy.

While India summons ambassadors to lodge protests, the local community is busy refreshing their tracking apps to ensure their $1.50 phone cases aren’t currently sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

“The Strait of Hormuz is basically a giant obstacle course for my Shopee haul,” remarked one office worker, who believes global conflict is a personal attack on his delivery timeline.

Authorities have urged the public not to panic, insisting that the national gas supply is robust enough to withstand a small-scale nuclear exchange or a slight increase in the price of chicken rice.

Shipping magnates are reportedly looking into whether they can bribe the Iranian Navy with vouchers to ensure safe passage for vessels carrying the nation’s supply of unessential plastic junk.

The consensus at local coffee shops remains that while being shot at is bad, paying an extra seven cents for electricity is the true tragedy of the modern era.

“If the tankers explode, they should at least do it in a way that doesn’t affect my air-conditioning,” noted a retiree while aggressively fanning himself with a newspaper.

As maritime tensions boil over, the nation stands united in its belief that world peace is secondary to a cheap utility bill.