Local mother Mrs. Tan has successfully secured her son’s future by hiring a team of disgraced McKinsey consultants and a former North Korean defector to coach him for his Direct School Admission (DSA) interview.

While other parents simply let their children have hobbies, Mrs. Tan understands that "passion" is a commodity best manufactured in a high-pressure basement lab.

Her twelve-year-old son, Brayden, recently completed a 48-hour sleep deprivation seminar to ensure his "interest" in playing the triangle appeared sufficiently manic to the panel at Raffles Institution.

“The school wants to see genuine grit,” Mrs. Tan shouted while force-feeding her child a slurry of raw kale and crushed caffeine pills.

“Last week, we spent $5,000 on a ‘spontaneity coach’ who taught him exactly how to laugh naturally if the principal makes a joke about algebra.”

Brayden, who has forgotten the names of his siblings but can recite the school’s mission statement in four ancient languages, is now considered a frontrunner for the basketball niche despite being four feet tall.

His portfolio includes a fabricated charitable foundation and a glowing recommendation letter from a dead world leader.

“We don’t care about his childhood,” Mrs. Tan added, sharpening a pencil.

“We just want the government to recognize that his soul belongs to the elite.”