The national shortage of student care slots has reached a fever pitch, with waitlists now longer than the life expectancy of a hamster.

Singaporean parents are reportedly camping outside community centres with the intensity of K-pop fans, armed with birth certificates and fresh kidneys for barter.

"I already give my left eye, but teacher say must wait two years," lamented Mrs. Tan.

"Walau, the queue so long I think my son graduate university already then can get one slot, sibeh jialat lah!"

Ministry officials suggest parents teach their seven-year-olds to file corporate tax returns to pass the time instead.

One Bukit Timah centre now requires a blood sacrifice and an affidavit promising the child will never pursue a career in the arts.

"No choice lor, my domestic helper busy doing his Math TYS already," said another parent.