Every Sunday, thousands of Singaporean men with the aerobic capacity of a damp sponge gather to cosplay as professional athletes.

Clad in counterfeit jerseys screaming for mercy over protruding bellies, these weekend warriors believe they are one scouting report away from glory.

The matches are characterized by thirty seconds of mild jogging followed by forty-five minutes of shouting instructions at people who are equally incompetent.

"Eh, I was doing the tiki-taka style sia, then suddenly my chest like tio hentak kaki, so I just lepak on the grass for bit," said 52-year-old Tan Ah Kow.

Despite the mounting body count from heat exhaustion, players insist their failure is caused by "poor pitch quality" rather than their pack-a-day habit.

If these men spent half as much energy working as they do arguing about offsides, the national GDP would double overnight.