The Land Transport Authority has officially confirmed that the "Press for Green" button is a placebo wired directly to a laughter generator in their headquarters.

Engineers revealed that every frantic press actually extends the red light duration to ensure maximum heatstroke potential for pedestrians.

The government maintains that standing in 38-degree humidity for twenty minutes effectively culls those too weak to contribute to the nation’s success.

"I press until my thumb blue-black already, the light still never change, sibeh sianz," noted one local resident.

Ministry officials suggested that those who cannot survive a single crossing cycle are a burden on the state's resources.

"Wait until my hair turn white also the Red Man still staring at me, want me to die is it?" complained another pedestrian.