The Land Transport Authority has officially reclassified pedestrians as "unauthorised biological obstacles" to facilitate the 40km/h flow of three-wheeled mobility scooters.

Sidewalks are now designated high-speed death zones for the elderly and their illegally modified lithium-ion rockets.

"Steady poon pee pee ah, I modify my motor until can fly, then this blur sotong block my path," said local speedster, Uncle Tan.

"I just horn her until she jump into the longkang, then I carry on go buy 4D lor."

Authorities confirmed that any citizen caught using their own legs will face immediate caning for obstructing national productivity.

Health officials suggest replacing human shins with reinforced titanium to survive the 6 PM Toa Payoh pavement massacre.