The Land Transport Authority has officially reclassified food delivery riders as "Emergency Response Units" with full legal immunity to mow down anyone in their path.

Under the new "Hustle or Die" initiative, riders who fail to achieve supersonic speeds on narrow HDB void decks will be publicly flogged for inefficiency.

Civilians are warned that a lukewarm packet of chicken rice now holds a higher legal status than the survival of a senior citizen.

"Eh, you see me coming you better siam fast-fast lah, my rating more important than your leg," remarked one rider while weaving through a primary school group.

Experts suggest that the sound of a modified e-bike motor should be treated with the same reverence as a funeral march, only louder and more annoying.

Pedestrians are encouraged to lie face-down in the dirt to ensure a smoother transition for a cold cheeseburger.