The Land Transport Authority (LTA) has announced that all PMD owners must now undergo mandatory DNA swabbing and psychiatric evaluation before receiving their identification stickers.

New regulations require riders to install biometric “conscience sensors” that automatically brick devices if they detect a desire to speed through void decks.

Failure to display holographic plates will result in immediate public flogging by officers equipped with high-voltage cattle prods.

“Wah lau, now must pay fifty dollars for sticker then still must scan eyeball every time I want to buy cigarettes,” complained local rider Ah Beng.

LTA officials insist these measures ensure the only things exploding in HDB flats are the dreams of the middle class.

“If you don't like it, walk until your legs fall off,” said a spokesperson while polishing a speed camera.