The Land Transport Authority has officially declared that any distance greater than 0.5 millimetres between commuters is a criminal waste of public infrastructure.

Under the new "Shared Sweat Initiative," passengers are encouraged to synchronise their breathing to conserve oxygen in the underground vacuum.

SMRT technicians confirmed that the pungent aroma of a stranger’s damp armpit is now considered a premium "multi-sensory experience" included in the base fare.

"Wah lau, the auntie behind press her chest so hard until I can feel her heartbeat, I think we married already lor," remarked local commuter Lim Teck Hua.

Authorities reminded citizens that if they can still feel their own limbs, the train is technically only at half-capacity.

Fines will soon be issued to anyone caught maintaining a "toxic" aura of personal space.