The Land Transport Authority has officially completed its transition from urban planning to a full-blown counter-terrorism unit.

Following the total ban on PMDs, any citizen caught with a lithium-ion battery is now immediately detained by the Gurkha Contingent.

"Wa lau, I only want to buy char kway teow, now LTA officers tackle me like I am smuggling drugs," complained former rider Ah Hock.

The Minister for Transport hinted that the only legal way to travel now is by levitation or crawling on all fours to ensure zero footpath fatalities.

"Last time say Smart Nation, now ask us to walk until our legs siao," said local auntie, Mdm Tan.

Authorities confirmed confiscated scooters are being melted down to create a giant statue of a safe, stationary snail.