The National Parks Board has officially conceded defeat, granting MacRitchie’s long-tailed macaques sovereign immunity and the legal right to mug any grandmother carrying a Decathlon bag.

These furry terrorists, renowned for their expert-level snatch-and-run tactics, have successfully transformed the reservoir into a high-stakes combat zone where the primary currency is a half-eaten Gardenia loaf.

“Wah lau, those monkeys damn steady one, they see my bag only they start calculating my CPF interest rate,” said local hiker, Tan Ah Kow.

Authorities advise citizens to bow deeply and surrender all earthly possessions to avoid a savage facial reconstruction that is arguably more efficient than the current public healthcare system.

“I give them my branded water bottle, they still show me middle finger and spit on my head, very high SES style hor,” noted a traumatised jogger.

The macaques are currently drafting legislation to tax visitors for the privilege of not being mauled while walking near their penthouse trees.