NParks has officially outsourced park security to the MacRitchie long-tailed macaques to ensure hikers maintain a strictly "no-snack" lifestyle.

The primates, now equipped with infrared vision for spotting hidden Tupperware, have been authorised to perform full-body cavity searches on anyone wearing compression tights.

Casual joggers are warned that any rustle of a granola bar wrapper will be met with a coordinated tactical assault involving screeching and faeces-hurling.

"Wah lau, I just open my bag to take water only, the monkey jump on my head and take my phone leh!" said local hiker, Jensen Koh.

"He even unlock the phone and try to swipe right on Tinder, damn gung-ho sia!"

Meanwhile, local monitor lizards have been tasked with clearing the trails of slow-moving aunties to maintain peak marathon training speeds.

Authorities remind the public that bleeding on the boardwalk is considered littering and will result in a $1,000 fine.