A local 53-year-old visionary has successfully demonstrated that the secret to a happy ending isn't a long-lasting marriage, but a massive, untouchable pile of government-locked cash.

While most men his age are weeping into their overpriced beers over alimony, this absolute legend is reportedly stroking his CPF statement with more tenderness than he ever showed his former spouse.

The court ruling confirmed that his $1.2 million balance served as a tactical financial shield during his divorce, proving once and for all that the Singapore government is the only partner that will never leave you.

This is primarily because they legally refuse to let you go until you are practically a corpse.

"Who needs physical intimacy when you have the throbbing, consistent compound interest of the Special Account?" the man allegedly whispered while sniffing a fresh printout of his contribution history.

"My ex-wife used to complain about my lack of emotional depth, but my Medisave account never talks back or demands I stop staring at other women’s financial portfolios."

Sources say the man is now seeking a new partner whose only requirement is being a CPF nominee with a high risk of sudden cardiac arrest.

"Vows are temporary," the man concluded, "but the CPF Board’s grip on my soul is a love story that lasts until the grave."