Mandai Wildlife Reserve has officially served an eviction notice to its resident giant panda for failing to contribute to the national birth rate.

While most Singaporeans sweat in humid bus interchanges, this pampered furball has enjoyed a decade of climate-controlled luxury and premium imported bamboo.

"Wah lau, we give him 24-hour air-con, organic salad, and even play 'romantic' music, but he still don't want to touch his wife," complained Head Keeper, Ah Huat.

"Every day just eat and sleep, like some high-SES expat on a permanent holiday, really damn sian one."

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs confirmed the panda will be returned to China via a cargo crate to recoup losses on the failed investment.

Officials hope the next bear will show more libido than a burnt-out middle manager during peak performance review season.

Failure to reproduce is now officially a deportable offence for all non-citizen megafauna.