The Monetary Authority of Singapore has unveiled its most aggressive consumer protection policy yet: a total ban on citizens touching their own cash.

Under the new "Total Safety Framework," locals must now submit a 400-page prospectus and provide three character references before purchasing a loaf of bread.

The regulator aims to eliminate the "human element" of spending, which they have identified as the primary cause of people being poor.

"Siao liao, now want to buy chicken rice also must pass CFA Level 1 and do KYC check," lamented local taxi driver, Uncle Lim.

MAS officials confirmed that any citizen caught with more than ten dollars in their pocket will be treated as an unlicensed money changer and tasered on sight.

"The safest way to manage a Singaporean’s wealth is to ensure they never see it, touch it, or think about it," a spokesperson whispered while stroking a pile of gold bars.

"Yesterday I try buy socks, the ATM ask for my 10-year financial plan, I tell them 'Limpeh just want socks leh'!" grumbled another shopper.