The Ministry of Defence has officially rebranded the 2 AM prowler shift as a "premium mindfulness retreat" for recruits who enjoy talking to monsoon drains.

Equipped with an unloaded SAR-21 and a lethal amount of mosquito coils, Corporal Tan spent four hours defending a rusty gate against a suspected invasion by a suicidal moth.

"Eh, I tell you ah, by 3 AM the fence start moving and I start seeing my grandfather’s face in the lalang," Tan whispered while aggressively scratching his crotch.

Military experts confirm that staring at a dark carpark is vital for national security, ensuring that the concrete does not spontaneously decide to desert the army.

The high-stakes operation requires the strategic application of prickly heat powder to prevent one's nether regions from becoming a humid biohazard.

"Wah lau, Sergeant give me five extras because I never shout 'Halt' at a stray cat, damn siao one," complained a recruit currently plotting a tactical 'keng' at the medical centre.

Ultimately, the SAF maintains that the greatest threat to the nation is not foreign aggression, but a sentry who manages to fall asleep while standing perfectly upright.