The Ministry of Education’s move to replace streaming with Full Subject-Based Banding has sent the nation’s tiger parents into a state of absolute cardiac arrest.

Without the clear hierarchy of Express and Normal labels, local mothers report being unable to figure out which toddlers to avoid at the playground.

MOE officials insist the change promotes inclusivity, though critics argue that mingling high-flyers with "average" students is basically intellectual contamination.

“Wahlau, how can like that?” complained Mrs. Tan, while clutching her son’s Kumon gold medal.

“If no more streaming, how I know my boy don’t catch 'stupid' from the boy sitting next to him?”

“My friend’s daughter in GEP, now she must talk to normal human being? Siao liao, later her brain rot then how?”

Parents are reportedly petitioning for a new system where children wear color-coded electrified collars based on their latest PSLE aggregate.

The government has responded by suggesting parents simply look at their children’s eye bags to determine superiority.