The Ministry of Education has unveiled its new "Ivy-Or-Die" initiative to streamline Singapore’s global prestige ranking.

Under the new policy, any student failing to secure a place at Harvard or Yale will be immediately recycled for raw materials.

Parents are now encouraged to begin SAT preparatory courses during the second trimester of pregnancy to avoid total failure.

"My girl only get Brown University, so we tell her don't come home," local parent Lim Kopi explained.

"Wah lau, Brown is for people who cannot do math, might as well go fly kite," he remarked while burning her birth certificate.

Public officials confirmed that attending a local university is now legally classified as a criminal offence.

Anyone caught with a NUS degree will be forced to spend eternity commuting on the North-South line.