The Ministry of Education has unveiled a groundbreaking "Remote Discipline" initiative to combat the national security threat of black Zoom squares.

Teachers will now be equipped with high-voltage override switches to ensure every Primary 1 student stares directly into the blue light until their retinas are permanently scarred for national progress.

"The boy think he very smart, keep saying 'Cher, my mic spoil,' but I know he playing Roblox under the table," said local mother Mavis Tan, while sharpening a pencil with her teeth.

"Now MOE give us the 'E-Cane' feature, I can press one button and his chair vibrate like gila, then he sure listen one lah!"

A spokesperson confirmed that any student caught using a "Library" background while actually in their pyjamas will be charged with fraud against the meritocratic state.

This digital panopticon ensures that even during a global apocalypse, the syllabus remains more vital than oxygen.