The Ministry of Education has officially extended the school day to twenty-five hours to accommodate the new "Absolute Academic Carnage" syllabus.

Officials confirmed that if a child is not vibrating from sleep deprivation and sheer terror by age six, the national education system has failed.

"Wah lau, my daughter only four but she doing Quantum Physics already, otherwise later she become road sweeper," said one kiasu mother.

New measures include surgically grafting Ivy League textbooks to primary students' retinas to ensure revision continues during brief, illegal REM cycles.

"If she get AL2 only, I confirm will disown her, because no place for useless weaklings in this family," the mother added.

A local ten-year-old commented, "Uncle, my brain honestly melting, but my tuition teacher say if I stop crying I can have five minutes of oxygen."