The Ministry of Education has streamlined the PSLE scoring system to reflect a student’s total projected worth to the national Gross Domestic Product.

Under the new 'Economic Utility' metric, children scoring AL30 and above will be legally converted into high-grade fertiliser to maintain the Singapore Botanic Gardens.

"Wah lao, last time AL4 already stress, now my son must calculate his CPF interest before he can even go toilet," complained Mdm Lim, whilst force-feeding her child raw ginkgo nuts.

Education officials confirmed that the previous system was far too lenient on twelve-year-olds who fail to contribute to the nation's sovereign wealth fund by puberty.

"Aiseh, you think easy ah, if my girl get AL32, the teacher say she straight away go Jurong Island to become biofuel," noted one concerned father.

The government maintains that 'Every School is a Good School', provided the student isn't a complete fiscal liability before their voice breaks.