The Ministry of Manpower has officially sanctioned the use of tactical bayonets and chemical warfare to secure seats at Amoy Street Food Centre.

Under the new "Eat or Die" directive, white-collar workers are encouraged to shank colleagues who linger too long over their minced meat noodles.

Use of a single tissue packet now grants legal ownership of the table, backed by a state-sponsored sniper team positioned on surrounding skyscrapers.

"Wah lao, last time use tissue only, now must bring parang then can eat cai fan leh," remarked local analyst Tan Ah Kow.

"I see that CBD kia try to take my seat, I straight away give him one flying kick, steady pom pi pi," added office lady Cheryl Lim.

Public health officials confirmed that the stench of desperation and armpit sweat is now officially more toxic than the haze.

Survivors of the 12:30 PM rush are awarded a medal of valour and a lukewarm cup of lime juice.