In a bold move to ensure Mountbatten remains as lifeless as a Mandai columbarium, MP Gho Sze Kee has mandated that pickleball players use foam balls that make as much noise as a limp kkj.

The "spirit of give-and-take" effectively translates to residents taking the fun away and giving everyone else a reason to stay indoors and stare at the wall in total silence.

Sensitive residents, who previously claimed the “thwack” of a plastic ball sounded like a coordinated terrorist strike, can now enjoy the muffled sounds of sweaty boomers rubbing high-density foam against each other in the dark.

Grassroots leaders are also reportedly considering mandating foam-padded shoes and silencers for uncles who cannot stop shouting "KNN" every time they miss a shot.

"It's all about social cohesion," said one resident who spends eighteen hours a day reporting her neighbor’s barking dog to the Town Council.

If the foam balls are still deemed too disruptive, the government is prepared to distribute "Imaginary Paddles" where players must mime the game in eerie, North Korean-style silence.

Any player caught making a sound louder than a mouse’s fart will be promptly banned from the community club and forced to attend a 12-hour seminar on how to be a gracious, soulless neighbor.

Future urban planning initiatives include soundproof diapers for babies and mandatory ball-gags for any couple living within five kilometers of a public housing estate.

"We want to create a comforting place to live, which in Singaporean terms means a place where you can hear your own hair growing while you wait for the sweet release of death," an anonymous grassroots volunteer whispered.

Players are also encouraged to limit their cheering to rhythmic blinking to avoid triggering the local Karens who have nothing better to do than measure decibel levels with their government-issued iPhones.

MP Gho added that the upcoming “Silent Pickleball Tournament” will be the most exciting event of the year, provided nobody actually hears it happening.