The government’s latest hawker centre “revitalisation” project has successfully transformed the humble food court into a high-tech torture chamber for the elderly.

The $500 million upgrade features AI-powered drones that hover over patrons, ready to deliver a non-lethal electrical shock the moment a prawn shell hits the floor.

Tables are now equipped with weight sensors that trigger a deafening siren if you linger for more than ten seconds after finishing your kopi.

“Siao eh, I just want to sit down and talk cock only, then the robot come and tell me ‘Move on citizen’ like I some criminal,” complained regular patron Tan Ah Kow.

The new “Auntie-Bot 3000” has also been programmed to be 40% more rude than a human, ensuring the authentic Singaporean dining experience remains intact.

“Last time only one auntie scold me, now the machine also tell me I look fat and ask me why I never married yet,” said one traumatised student.

Officials insist these upgrades are vital to preserve hawker culture before every vendor is eventually replaced by a soulless vending machine selling $18 frozen laksa.