The National Environment Agency has unveiled its latest $85 million hawker centre "refresh," transforming a once-vibrant community hub into a sterile, fluorescent-lit purgatory.

New features include anti-gravitational floor grease and a state-of-the-art ventilation system designed to circulate the authentic scent of a clogged drain with surgical precision.

Patrons can now enjoy their $12 "artisan" laksa under the unblinking gaze of 4,000 facial-recognition cameras, ensuring no tray remains unreturned for more than three milliseconds.

"The lights so bright I can see my ancestors' disappointment," remarked regular diner, Kelvin Teo.

"Last time uncle use chalk, now must use high-tech kiosk that hang every five minutes, really siao one," he added.

Authorities confirmed the "Surgical-Ward Chic" aesthetic was intentionally chosen to remind citizens that eating is a logistical necessity rather than a pleasurable human experience.