The Straits Times has released its annual Financial Despair Simulator, cleverly disguised as the Budget 2026 Calculator.

Excited Sinkies are flocking to the site to confirm that their government "support" is actually just a deep-fried feather.

The tool features a new "Desperation" slider for those whose primary income comes from selling their blood or pre-loved underwear on Carousell.

Users who select "Private Property" are automatically redirected to a high-definition video of a middle finger.

Most heartland residents discovered their total benefits amount to exactly half a tank of petrol and a complimentary pat on the head.

"I feel so supported," said one resident, while deciding which organ to sell to cover the next GST hike.

The "Estimated Tax" function remains the only part of the website that works with 100% surgical precision.

At least the UI is smooth enough to watch your savings evaporate in 4K resolution.