Singapore’s newest batch of office-holders has admitted to being “significantly stretched,” a polite euphemism for having absolutely no idea how to run a ministry without a platoon sergeant.

Former Brigadier-General Goh Pei Ming confessed that despite having zero economic background, he is now restructuring the nation’s economy, proving that shouting at 18-year-olds in the jungle is the perfect prerequisite for managing global fiscal shifts.

When faced with actual governance, Minister of State Dinesh Vasu Dash revealed he simply emails Lee Hsien Loong at 11 PM like a desperate undergrad begging a professor for leaked exam answers.

The new leaders spent the month “listening to the ground,” a strategic move where they nod silently at angry citizens until the public eventually gets tired and goes home.

Meanwhile, Acting Minister David Neo remains committed to “balancing perspectives” on 38 Oxley Road, ensuring the house remains standing until every Singaporean currently alive has died from natural causes.