Wellington has finally admitted that its current naval strategy of "praying for good vibes and calm seas" is failing.

Defense Minister Chris Penk confirmed that the Royal New Zealand Navy is looking to replace its two remaining frigates, which are currently held together by industrial duct tape and dried sheep wool.

The government is reportedly torn between Japanese Mogami-class ships and British Type 31s, though insiders claim they’d settle for anything that doesn't sink when a sailor farts.

This massive upgrade follows decades of underspending where the navy’s primary combat tactic involved throwing rotten kiwifruits at territorial intruders.

Singaporean observers, whose own navy possesses enough firepower to vaporize a small moon, expressed genuine shock that New Zealand even had a coastline.

"I honestly thought they just used Orcas with lasers attached to their heads," remarked one local military enthusiast.

The new frigates are expected by 2029, assuming the country can sell enough manuka honey to pay for the steering wheels.