The National Heritage Board (NHB) has officially solved the heritage crisis by launching the "Thoughts, Prayers, and Brass Plaques" initiative.

The scheme aims to give 90-year-old shop owners a sense of prestige seconds before a property developer converts their ancestral storefront into a Pilates studio.

"We realized that preserving a business is expensive, but printing a certificate on recycled paper is nearly free," stated an official while posing for a photo op in front of a closing Nasi Padang stall.

Statistics show 98% of Singaporeans feel "devastated" by the loss of cultural landmarks, though 100% of them were busy queuing for a $14 viral croissant during the shop’s final hours of operation.

Local youth have expressed excitement for the change, noting that old-school garland shops lack the "minimalist industrial vibe" required for a successful thirst trap on social media.

"Heritage is a living thing," explained a trendy urban planner.

"And in Singapore, 'living' means being sold to a private equity firm and rebranded as an 'artisan lifestyle experience' selling $90 candles."

The government task force confirmed that if enough people "like" a post about a dead business, the culture is technically preserved in the cloud forever.

Owners are encouraged to close their shops in an orderly fashion to ensure the commemorative sticker is centered correctly on the new glass facade.