The Singapore Government has officially designated Coney Island as a "consensual outdoor trauma centre" for citizens who find their air-conditioned lives too comfortable.

The island remains the world’s only nature reserve where the primary attraction is being physically assaulted by clouds of blood-thirsty sand flies.

NParks officials stated that the total lack of basic amenities is a "bespoke poverty experience" designed to toughen up the Punggol elite.

"Wah lau, I walk only two minutes, the mosquitoes attack me like I owe them money," said local hiker, Tan Beng Joo.

"The monkeys there more gangster than Geylang, they steal my bag then show me middle finger, damn suay man."

Despite the risk of heatstroke, families continue to visit the island to pretend they are not just walking through a humid, mosquito-infested swamp.

Authorities confirmed that any visitor who finds the abandoned villa without crying will be exempt from National Service.