NParks has officially designated Pulau Ubin as a 1,020-hectare "Low-Income Aesthetic" theme park for CBD office workers who find Orchard Road too relatable.

The initiative aims to provide pampered millennials with a visceral, mosquito-infested glimpse into the terrifying era before Dyson fans and high-speed fibre broadband.

Visitors are encouraged to pay $400 for a guided tour of a crumbling wooden shack, where they can pretend to be "humble" while secretly checking their crypto portfolios.

"Eh, the mosquito here damn big sia, like B-52 bomber," noted local tourist Ah Seng, who was seen trying to use a charcoal stove as a wireless charger.

"I want to feel the authentic kampong vibe, but why the Wi-Fi so slow one? I cannot post my aesthetic thirst trap on Instagram leh!"

Meanwhile, the island’s wild boars have reportedly formed a trade union to demand better-quality leftovers from the influx of "cosplaying peasants."

The government reminds citizens that sweating is now a mandatory national duty, as deodorants are strictly prohibited to preserve the "authentic stench of 1965."