NParks has confirmed that the cycling paths on Pulau Ubin will be intentionally downgraded to "Death Trap" status to ensure city-dwellers feel something other than air-conditioning.

The new initiative involves replacing smooth gravel with jagged volcanic glass and grease-slicked mud to maximise the probability of a Darwinian event.

Spokesperson Tan Ah Huat stated that the goal is to provide a "genuine heritage experience" where the only thing thinner than the bicycle tyres is the rider’s patience.

"Wah lau, the path so jialat I think my spine vibrate out of my body already," said local cyclist, Lim Teck Siew, while bleeding profusely from a rusted pedal wound.

"I pay ten dollars for the bike where the brakes don't work, then the monkey steal my bag and the boar bite my calf—damn authentic man, five stars!" his wife added.

NParks hopes these upgrades will finally bridge the gap between "outdoor recreation" and "unnecessary medical emergency."